With six Grammys under her belt, nobody would think that world-famous Billie Eilish would ever have a reason to contemplate suicide. In a 2019 interview, however, the 18-year-old singer opened up about her mental health and admitted wanting to end her life when she was in Berlin in 2018.

Billie Eilish rose to fame following the success of her debut album “When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go.” But despite her album racking up huge sales, she felt empty. In fact, she revealed that as her star was on the rise, she was battling clinical depression and was feeling down in the dumps.

“I was so unhappy last year,” she said. “I was so unhappy, and I was so, like, joyless,” she added.

Eilish revealed there were many reasons behind her depression, but on top of it all was the fact that she did not want fame at the time. She could not find meaning in all the successes coming her way because she felt they were uncalled for. “I don’t want to be dark, but I genuinely didn’t think I would make it to 17,” she said.

Billie Eilish Billie Eilish @Pukkelpop 2019. © Lars Crommelinck Photography. crommelincklars/Flickr

The singer also revealed that the line “I wanna end me” in her song “Bury A Friend” was all about her and her suicidal thoughts. “I think about this one time I was in Berlin and I was alone in my hotel, and I remember there was a window right there,” she recounted. “I remember crying because I was thinking about how the way that I was going to die was, I was going to do it.”

 Luckily, the young singer was able to overcome that phase through the help of her mom, Maggie Baird. “We checked in with her all the time about, ‘Do you still want to do this?’” said Baird. “She loved doing the shows, that’s what kept her going,” she added.

Eilish also credited therapy and her family with helping to keep her alive.  She said she had been coming out of her depression over the past six months and is now happy to reach out to her fans who are going through similar challenges. “It’s like the most freeing feeling to be able to come out of that shell,” she said.