Beyoncé & Jay Z, Swizz Beatz, Pharrell, Leonardo Dicaprio, Regina King, Cardi B and more attend the party of the year. CÎROC White Grape

Sean “Diddy” Combs made headlines this week as A-listers Jay-Z, Beyonce, Leonardo DiCaprio and more turned up and toasted to celebrate his 50th birthday. But despite how grandiose his birthday bash turned out to be, the man of the hour admitted that the whole thing almost didn’t happen due to his aching heart.

In an interview following the music mogul’s star-studded birthday bash, Diddy revealed that he had cancelled the party twice before he finally decided to make it happen. It’s all because of his ex-girlfriend Kim Porter, who died a sudden death in November 2018 due to pneumonia.

“I canceled the party two times because I just couldn’t see myself partying for my 50th birthday without her,” he said, referring to Porter. Diddy admitted that while his party was one of the most authentic nights of love he had ever experienced, the loss of Porter had left a void in his heart that he still could not fill.

It can be recalled that Diddy and Porter dated on and off for more than 10 years until they parted ways in 2007. According to Diddy, Porter’s death gutted not only him but also his family, including his 21-year-old son Christian, 13-year-old twins D’Lila Star and Jessie James, and Porter’s son Quincy, whom he helped raise before their split. The loss of Porter also took an emotional toll on Diddy’s two other kids from his previous relationships, 26-year-old Justin and 13-year-old Chance.

Diddy recounted how he and Porter had talked about his 50th birthday before Porter’s passing and how this made him feel at odds with celebrating after her death. “I wasn’t feeling it,” he said. “I didn’t want to be fake. I wanted to be at a point of strength,” he added.

Diddy’s actual birthday rolled around on Nov. 4, but he cancelled the celebration as he opted for a quiet dinner at home. After a few weeks, however, he came up with a meaningful solution by rescheduling his birthday bash for what would have been Porter’s 49th birthday weekend. That way, he said, he and Porter could celebrate their birthdays together in spirit.

With nearly 600 guests in attendance, Diddy deemed his party a total success. “It worked out beautifully,” he said.

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